Merry & Pippin: The Job Series
by Welsh-dragoon
Summary: Fourth chapter up! Merry and Pippin are bored...what are they going to do?
1. Doormen

I don't own them (duuh!), even thought I wish I did…  
  
Warning: This is a silly fic by me. I'm not very good at writing humour fics, but here's one anyway.  
  
My friend Liz and I were talking about random stuff when the thought of Merry and Pippin acting as doors came into my head...by the way this doesn't have much of a plot.  
  
Anyway on with the story!  
  
  
  
  
  
It was a beautiful day in the Shire and Merry and Pippin were bored. They were sitting on a green hill just above Bag End.  
  
"Merry?" Pippin began  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm bored..." Pippin said, lying back and putting his hands behind his head.  
  
"Me too. We should do something, but what?" Merry pondered  
  
"I know! We could put frogs in Sam's water barrel!" Pippin exclaimed.  
  
"Nah, we did that last week." Merry said as he too lay back.  
  
"Well then what?"  
  
"I don't know" Merry said and closed his eyes.  
  
  
  
As he snoozed, he could hear Pippin giggle quietly. He thought nothing more of it and continued to snooze. The he felt something crawling on his nose. He opened one eye and looked.  
  
'Oh, its only a spider...SPIDER?!' Merry jumped up and jumped around screaming  
  
"Get it off!"  
  
Pippin laughed at the immensely funny scene of Merry dancing around waving his hands at his nose. The spider fell off Merry's nose and scuttled off. Merry (who was still jumping up and down) looked cross-eyed at his nose and growled.  
  
"Pippin, you maggot! I'm going to hurt you now!" Pippin stopped laughing and stared at Merry.  
  
"Of course you are Merry. I'm still bored."  
  
"Oh shut up Pippin" Merry sat back down and watched the hobbits of Hobbiton go about their daily business. Then he got an idea  
  
"Hey Pip, why don't we get a job?"  
  
"A job?"  
  
"Yes, a job"  
  
"Hm, good idea"  
  
Merry got up and began walking down the hill. Pippin sat up  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"You must have a memory span as long as a goldfish. To find a job. C'mon!" Pippin scrambled up and followed Merry.  
  
"But where are we going to find a job?"  
  
"I don't know, but we can look in the town" Merry strode down the hill and headed over to Samwise's hobbit hole. Pippin ran after him  
  
"Merry, I don't have any skills." Pippin whined  
  
"We all know that Pip. Now be quiet."  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin stopped in front of Sam's hobbit hole.  
  
"Well, go on Merry, knock on the door" Pippin pushed Merry towards the round door. Merry stumbled forwards and threw a glare at Pippin over his shoulder. He walked up to the door and took a deep breath. He looked back to Pippin, who grinned and gave the thumbs up sign.  
  
Knock knock  
  
A young hobbit maid opened the door  
  
"Hello Uncle Merry!" she said  
  
Merry looked down at her  
  
"Hello Elanor, is your father around?"  
  
"Yes he is. Do you want to speak with him?"  
  
Merry nodded. Elanor headed back inside the hole and Merry turned to Pippin.  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"Just ask if he has any jobs for us to do" Pippin hissed back.  
  
"Alright...Ah! Sam! Hello. Isn't it a fine morning?"  
  
Sam raised an eyebrow  
  
"What do you want this time Merry? Gotten into trouble with Farmer Maggot again?"  
  
"Nono! Pippin and I were wondering if you had any jobs we could do."  
  
"And why the sudden interest in getting a job?"  
  
"Well, I am getting on to be thirty-six, and I just thought it was about time I got a job. Do you have any?"  
  
Sam looked at Merry and then over at Pippin, who was still standing by the gate.  
  
"Sorry lads, I don't have no jobs for you to do. Why don't you go to the HobJob Centre and take a look there?"  
  
Merry thought about this  
  
"Hmm, that's an idea. Thank you Sam! Bye!" Merry shouted and ran out of the gate, pulling Pippin behind him.  
  
"Those hobbits, they'll never learn!" Sam said and closed his door.  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin walked into the HobJob Centre. The inside was wood- panelled and had a grassy carpet. The ceiling was high above their heads. The hobbits looked in awe. A passing hobbit saw them and asked them what they were doing  
  
"Um, we came here looking for a job."  
  
"Well you won't find one looking at the ceiling. Try over there." The hobbit pointed to a wooden stand filled with little bits of paper. Pippin was the first to walk over to it. He picked one up. He read it out loud  
  
'Wanted, cat sitter for Friday nights  
  
Must be skilled in the art of cat watching and cat feeding  
  
Apply to Ms. Proudfoot'  
  
Pippin gave an amused look and put it back. He picked up another one  
  
'Needed, young hobbit lass for~'  
  
Pippin put it back before he finished reading it. He knew what Merry would say if he saw that. He would say:  
  
"If we dress you up as a hobbit lass, you could take the job nice and easy!"  
  
Pippin shuddered at the mere thought of it.  
  
"OH!" Pippin exclaimed as he found an advert he liked the look of  
  
'Wanted, two hobbits for manual labour.  
  
No skills required  
  
Pays well  
  
Apply to The Green Dragon'  
  
"Merry! Merry! I've found the perfect job for us!" Pippin said waving the advert around in the air. Merry snatched the paper from Pippin's hand and read it  
  
"Wow Pippin! This is a great job! Come on, let's go now!"  
  
  
  
They reached The Green Dragon by three o clock. They walked in through the door less doorframe and headed over to the bar. Merry slapped down the piece of paper on the bar and called for the barman  
  
"Hey! Barman! There are two hobbits out here waiting to see you!" Merry shouted. A crashing noise came from the kitchen and out came a rather disgruntled looking hobbit.  
  
"What can I do for you two gentle-hobbits?" He said  
  
"We've come about the jobs." Merry slid the paper over to the barman.  
  
"Ah yes! I only put this up this morning! Come with me, good sirs!" He led them back to the entrance. Merry and Pippin looked at each other  
  
"Excuse me sir, but why are we back at the entrance?" Pippin ventured  
  
"Well my lads, I need new doors. But seeing as how the price of doors has gone up, I need two strong hobbits like yourselves to act as doors until I can afford a new door."  
  
"B-but I thought that your inn has good business" Pippin stuttered  
  
"Aye it does, but I have to spend half of that on food and drink for the customers"  
  
"Oh. But how are we going to be doors?" Merry asked  
  
"Well, all you have to do is stand here and open when a customer wants to go in or come out. Just like a real door!"  
  
"Couldn't you just leave the doorway bare?"  
  
"Oh no! Couldn't do that! It'll be cold!" The barman said, smiling, "Now if you just stand there and there," He pointed to two places. Merry and Pippin obliged, deciding to go along with it, seeing as how well it paid.  
  
  
  
Soon, all who came in and out of The Green Dragon were amused to see Merry and Pippin acting like doors. When a person came out the two hobbits would swing open and shut (just like the ones you see in all those western films).  
  
One time Sam came for a drink and spotted the two of them.  
  
"Well! If it isn't the likely lads! Whatever are you doing?" Sam laughed  
  
"We are doors. It pays well!" Pippin said.  
  
"Oh if Mr Frodo could see you now. How he would laugh!"  
  
Merry and Pippin scowled and opened to let Sam through. Sam entered laughing.  
  
  
  
At closing time, when all the customers had left, the barman came out  
  
"Ok lads here you go! Your pay for today!" He said and handed them their pay.  
  
"Do we get to go home now?" Merry tiredly asked  
  
"No, you have to look after the inn until morning"  
  
Merry and Pippin's jaws fell to the ground  
  
"But...but we need our beauty sleep. Pippin especially"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Sorry lads, but I need you here. G'night!" And with that, the barman left.  
  
  
  
For a while Merry and Pippin were silent.  
  
"Merry..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why don't we just leave? I mean nothing will happen when we're gone. Nothing ever does"  
  
"But what if something DOES happen? We'll be run out of town for certain"  
  
"Merry, let me assure you. Nothing will happen! Now lets go"  
  
They walked back to their hobbit holes where they slept peacefully.  
  
  
  
Merry awoke to the sun shining on his face. He got out of bed and opened his window. He saw Pippin running towards his hole.  
  
"Merry! Merry! The Green Dragon has burned down!"  
  
"Oh dear..." Merry said. Behind Pippin was the barman of The Green Dragon, angrily shouting. Merry headed to his front door.  
  
"You two ninnyhammers! You should have been at your posts all night. Instead I find you were asleep in your own hobbit holes! Some rogue orc came and put a torch to my dear inn! You're fired!" The barman shouted and walked back the way he came.  
  
"Well, that was fun while it lasted!" Pippin said  
  
"You call being fired fun?"  
  
"It was an adventure though wasn't it?"  
  
"I suppose" Merry said, scratching his head  
  
"Merry..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm hungry..."  
  
  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
  
Wow! My first LotR fic finished! Review!  
  
Oh and my friend Liz does a brilliant door impression!  
  
Welsh_dragoon 


	2. Matmakers...Not what you think!

Once again I don't own them (boohoo)  
  
  
  
This is a sort-of sequel to Merry and Pippin being doormen. This time one of my other friends (yes I have many) gave me the plot… "What plot?!" I hear you ask. Well I'm not sure if there is one…  
  
Merry and Pippin join the Mafia  
  
  
  
After being fired from their 'job' as doors, Merry and Pippin were sitting in the garden of Bag End.  
  
"Merry…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm bored…"  
  
"Not again Pippin! Last time you were bored, we ended up in a dead-end job. Although it paid well." Said Merry, jingling the coins in his pocket. Suddenly the Sun was blocked out by a suspicious looking hobbit. Merry opened his eyes-which had been closed- and looked at the hobbit  
  
"May we help you? If you are looking for the Homeless Hobbit Centre its-" Merry stopped talking, partly because the hobbit had lifted him out of his seat by the scruff of his tunic.  
  
"Where can I find Hob Hayward?"  
  
Merry blinked blankly at him  
  
"Grrrr! I said where is Hob Hayward?" The hobbit said again  
  
"Well, he's…er…I dunno!" Merry said, trying to pry the hobbit's hands off his tunic. Pippin got up and poked the hobbit in the side.  
  
"OW!" he said and dropped Merry. On his backside. Hard.  
  
"Hey! That really hurt" Merry pouted.  
  
"Why do you want to know where Hob is?" Pippin asked  
  
"I cannot tell you, tis a secret"  
  
"Aw go on! Please? We promise not to tell a soul!" Pippin clasped his hands together under his chin.  
  
"No…I cannot…don't look at me with those eyes! No stop it! Oh alright!" The hobbit gave in. Merry and Pippin jumped around  
  
"Yay! He's gonna tell us his secret!" They sang in unison  
  
"Stop jumping and listen to me!"  
  
They stopped.  
  
"My name is Lopy Burrow and I am looking for Hob because he is needed for a job our organisation has planned."  
  
"What kind of job?"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know!"  
  
"I'll do my eye thing again!"  
  
"An assassination" Lopy said quickly  
  
"Oh cool!" Pippin squealed.  
  
"We are planning on hunting down Bill Ferny after all the damage he caused The Shire."  
  
"Can we help? We have nothing better to do" Pippin asked eagerly  
  
"I'll have to see what the boss says, but I'm sure you will be allowed to participate in the assassination."  
  
"Yes! Thank you so much Lopy!"  
  
"I have to go now and look for Hob. Bye!" And with that, Lopy ran off in search of the missing Hob.  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin sat back down.  
  
"Merry…"  
  
"What? If you say you're bored again I'll…"  
  
"No, I was going to ask you something"  
  
"Ok. Shoot!"  
  
"What is an assassination?"  
  
Merry sat up  
  
"You mean to tell me that you agreed to do something you don't know the meaning of?"  
  
"Um…are you going to tell me then?"  
  
"Assassination means to hire someone to kill someone else off!" Merry stated  
  
"Oooooooh…whoops!" Pippin mumbled and began to doze off. Merry shook him.  
  
"Pippin! This is very serious! It's a mafia job! Mafia…I've always wanted to join the Mafia! Pippin, well done!" Merry grinned from ear to ear.  
  
"Oh, you're welcome. I think" Pippin scratched his head, wondering what Merry was on about. He had never heard of the Mafia, not even when he was a hobbit lad.  
  
"What are the Matmakers, Merry?"  
  
Merry gave a look of horror, and then explained to Pippin that the Matmakers were known as the Mafia and explained what they did.  
  
  
  
The next day, Pippin woke up to someone pounding on his door.  
  
"Pippin! Pippin! Wake up!" It was Merry, and it sounded like he had someone with him.  
  
"PIPPIN! Wake up! Lopy is here with me!" Pippin jumped out of bed and ran to the front door. He opened it to fine Merry and Lopy standing on the doorstep.  
  
"Hullo Merry, Lopy. What can I do for you?" Pippin yawned.  
  
"How forgetful are you?! Remember? The Mafia?"  
  
"No…Oh! The Matmakers right?"  
  
"Actually it's the Mafia" Lopy said  
  
"That's what I said, Matmakers"  
  
Lopy shook his head and gave up. Merry pulled Pippin out of his hobbit hole and slammed the door shut.  
  
"Lopy's boss says that we can join the Mafia, but we have to promise not to breath a word to anyone"  
  
"Ok!" Pippin said. Lopy pulled Merry aside.  
  
"Merry, can we really trust someone who can't say Mafia?"  
  
"Of course. Pippin is a very trustworthy hobbit. Besides, if he does blab, he will call it the Matmakers and not the Mafia. So really, you've got nothing to worry about."  
  
Lopy thought about this and nodded his head. During Lopy and Merry's conversation, Pippin had wandered back into the hole and was cooking breakfast.  
  
Merry looked around, looking for Pippin. A bacony smell reached his nose and he followed it to the kitchen. There he found Pippin cooking bacon.  
  
"Pippin! Are you going to come with me to help the Mafia?"  
  
"After breakfast. Want some?"  
  
"Okay." Merry and Lopy sat down to eat bacon and eggs.  
  
  
  
After breakfast, Merry and Pippin were lead into the forest to a secret hideout. So secret in fact, that Lopy had forgotten where it was.  
  
"Erm…I seem to have forgotten where the secret hideout is…" He laughed nervously.  
  
Merry and Pippin groaned and sat on a tree stump. They watched as Lopy crawled on the ground running his hands over the grass. He was mumbling as he searched.  
  
"I know its here somewhere….aha! No…that's just a rabbit hole…" Merry and Pippin sighed. Pippin watched a squirrel hiding its nuts (A/N: the acorn type of nuts, you dirty-minded…)  
  
'He's never going to find them again!' Pippin thought. Merry had occupied himself counting the blades of grass in an area he had marked off. When he had gotten to 3,684 blades, he lost count.  
  
"Hurrah! I found it!" Lopy shouted and he stood back to reveal…nothing.  
  
"Lopy…I thought you said you had found it…" Merry said  
  
"Oh but I have. Look." He pointed to the ground. Merry and Pippin stared at the grass.  
  
"But there isn't anything there Lopy!" Pippin shouted.  
  
"Look harder." Lopy said. Merry and Pippin looked harder until their eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.  
  
"Oh I see! I think" Merry pointed to something.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"The handle of course." Lopy pulled the trapdoor open and Merry and Pippin saw that there were steps leading down. Lopy began to walk down them.  
  
"Well? Come on!" He said. The two hobbits followed Lopy down into the dark unknown.  
  
  
  
They walked along the underground passage to a large room with many hobbits sitting at tables. As the three hobbits walked in, all eyes turned to them.  
  
"Who are the two hobbits with Lopy?" One voice asked  
  
"Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, unless I'm mistaken." Answered another.  
  
"What are they doing here?" Asked another  
  
"Maybe they are doing research." Said the first voice.  
  
"For what?" Asked the second. The first shrugged.  
  
"Merry, I think these hobbits are talking about us."  
  
"What makes you say that Pippin?"  
  
"Well, they say something and point at us. And I'm pretty sure I heard my name."  
  
"Pippin, don't be so silly. I shall have to call you Pippin the Paranoid if you carry on like this!" Merry said, smirking. Pippin 'humphed' and carried on walking. They walked up to a large chair. Sat upon it was a hobbit that was familiar to both Merry and Pippin. The hobbit in the chair looked at Merry and Pippin with wide eyes.  
  
"You! I thought I would never have to lay eyes on you two again!" He shouted. The room became silent.  
  
"It's the barman of The Green Dragon!" Pippin hissed to Merry.  
  
"Really? I thought it was Gandalf!" Merry answered sarcastically. Pippin shot Merry a dirty look and looked at the barman again.  
  
"Sir? Do you know these two hobbits?" Asked Lopy  
  
"I do indeed. These are the two hobbits who burned down my precious Inn! My preciousssssssssssssss inn!" The barman shouted.  
  
"Uh-oh…looks like he's pulled a Gollum on us…" Pippin pointlessly said. Merry didn't answer. He was too busy looking at all the hobbit faces, twisted into angry scowls.  
  
'They seem angry with us. Wonder why...' he thought.  
  
"What have you brought these two miserable hobbits here Lopy?" The barman/boss asked.  
  
"Well, before I knew that they were the ones responsible for wrecking the inn, I thought that they could help us hunt down Bill Ferny."  
  
"Wait! Can't we say something in our defence?" Pippin asked. Ignoring the many shouts of "No!" he continued  
  
"We weren't the ones who put flame to your inn Mr.Barman sir. As you said, it was a rogue orc."  
  
"But it was your fault that the orc burned it down! If you hadn't left your posts then none of this would have happened!" Shouted the barman  
  
"Um, excuse me sir. But what is your actual name?" Merry asked  
  
"Er…well…that does not matter!"  
  
"Of course it does! Every hobbit must have a name!" Pippin argued. A murmur of agreement arose from the room. It seemed that none of the hobbits knew his name.  
  
"So are you going to tell us your name? Or will we have to resort to violence?" Merry asked.  
  
"I shan't tell you! You have no right to know!" The boss/barman screamed.  
  
"Actually sir, they do." Lopy said  
  
"What?!"  
  
"It says so right here in the Shire Charter." Lopy showed the book briefly to him and read aloud from the book,  
  
"A hobbit must tell his name when asked by another. No exceptions."  
  
Lopy finished reading and closed the book.  
  
"Now you must tell us your name. Or we shall resort to force."  
  
The boss was scared now. His face had drained of all colour.  
  
"I shall never tell you!" He shouted and leapt out of his chair. He ran towards the door, but was tackled by Lopy, who flipped him over and held a knife to his throat.  
  
"Tell us your name or I shall slit your throat!" He hissed  
  
"I…I…oh alright! I am Bill Ferny!"  
  
Gasps came from the room.  
  
"I should have known!" Lopy said. He called for two burly hobbits. "Take this disgrace of a hobbit away and lock him up!" The burly hobbits carried out their orders and marched Bill away. Merry and Pippin walked over to where Lopy was  
  
"Well done Lopy. But why would Bill Ferny become head of the Mafia and order his own assassination?" Pippin asked.  
  
"How am I supposed to know Pip? Ask Lopy, he'll know"  
  
"Err…actually I don't…but I reckon that Bill was going a bit mad…" Lopy answered, sounding doubtful. "Now I think you had better go, and don't breath a word of this to ANYONE!" Merry and Pippin nodded and legged it.  
  
So Merry and Pippin once again found themselves sitting in the garden of Bag End.  
  
"That was a great job with the Matmakers wasn't it Merry?"  
  
"The Mafia Pippin. And I wouldn't exactly call that a job. More like a misfortunate adventure." Merry lay back in his deckchair (A/N: yes they do have deckchairs in Middle Earth!)  
  
"Merry…"  
  
"No!" Merry snapped.  
  
"But I wasn't going to say anything!" Pippin said in defence.  
  
"Yes you were. You were going to say that you are hungry or bored." Merry said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Merry…you know me like an open book."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Well I AM hungry…"  
  
  
  
A/N: Well? Was that as funny as the first one? I could not think of anything that Merry and Pippin would do in the Mafia (Matmakers). That could be why this fic has no plot….meh…  
  
Oh! And the reason why the hobbits were angry at Merry and Pippin for burning down the inn was because it was their drinking hole…review and tell me if I should continue 


	3. Firemen!...I mean Hobbits!

Whew! At long last! Chapter three! I personally don't think this chapter is as good as the other two, but then I thought they sucked too. Oh well…and I would like to thank me lovely reviewers who really are great! *beams like a silly little child* On with chapter three!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Merry, Pippin or Hob Hayward…they belong to Tolkien.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It was a beautiful day in the Shire (when isn't it?), and Merry and Pippin were doing something constructive, they were weeding Sam's garden.  
  
"Merry, we really should look for another job." Pippin said and threw some dandelions into the wooden wheelbarrow.  
  
"And get fired again? No thanks!"  
  
"But I really want another job! I could be a builder, or an author, I could even be a musician!"  
  
"Pip, I hate to burst your bubble and all,"  
  
"You're not sorry. You love doing it." Pippin interrupted.  
  
"As I was saying, you would suck at all those. Your buildings would collapse, your books would never sell and your music would most definitely NOT rock the world!" Merry stated matter-of-factly. Pippin got up and stood over Merry  
  
"Alright then cousin. If you see a job you like, then we will try that. But if we see a job I like, then you will have no choice but to take the job as well!" Pippin practically shouted.  
  
"Alright! Fine! Now lets get back to weeding before Sam thinks we are slacking off."  
  
  
  
Later that day Merry and Pippin were chatting to the local Hobbit lasses.  
  
Merry was going on about how he defeated the Lord of the Nazgûl for the umpteenth time.  
  
"And then he came at me, but I was quick and got him first!" Pippin rolled his eyes. It seemed that every time they came across hobbit lasses, Merry would shoot straight into his tale of how he defeated the Nazgûl Lord.  
  
"Merry! Come on! We have to get the groceries." Pippin said, pulling Merry away from the girls.  
  
"Aw, but Pip…" Merry whined, waving to the girls.  
  
"Merry! For once start thinking with your head! We need food! Would you prefer to go hungry?"  
  
"No…" Merry trailed off.  
  
"Well then. Lets go."  
  
  
  
They arrived at the market half an hour later. Merry was the first to pick some juicy apples from the cart.  
  
"Mmm, delicious red apples. My favourite." He lifted it up to his mouth to take a bite, when he was hit on the head by an unknown force.  
  
"OW! Who did that?" He growled, rubbing his head.  
  
"You pay for it first, fool!" Pippin said.  
  
"Did you just-?" Merry asked  
  
"Yes." Pippin replied. Before Merry could answer back, an ear-piercing noise reverberated throughout the Shire. Or Hobbiton, at least. Merry and Pippin turned around to see a red wagon being pulled by a very fast Hobbit. Another Hobbit who was sitting on the wagon was waling very loudly.  
  
"What's happening?" Merry shouted above the noise.  
  
"I think that's a fire wagon!" Pippin shouted back.  
  
"Oh right!" Merry replied. Then, he and Pippin turned to face each other and grinned.  
  
  
  
"Where can we sign up to be firemen please?" Pippin asked in his best 'you know you want to hire me' voice. The Hobbit woman looked down at Pippin and pointed to a large green door with a sign above it marked 'Firehobbits Recruitment Office.".  
  
Merry and Pippin thanked her and headed towards the office. Merry rapped on the door three times.  
  
"Come in."  
  
The two hobbits entered the room and sat down on the green sofa, which was on the other side of the room. A chair back was facing them, behind a green desk.  
  
"Psst, Merry, have you noticed how all of the furniture in here is green?" Pippin asked.  
  
"It's a bit hard not to, Pip." Merry whispered back. Pippin glared at Merry and looked around the room. High above them, there hung a chandelier with green candles burning away. Behind the desk, a large window overlooked the green garden.  
  
"Good morning gentlemen, what can I do for you?" A voice questioned. The green chair swivelled around to reveal the owner of the voice.  
  
"Hob Hayward! What are you doing here?!" Pippin cried out in amazement.  
  
"I'm the firehobbit recruitment officer." Merry and Pippin each nodded their heads in understanding, although Pippin was probably lost.  
  
"But I thought you were in the Mafia."  
  
"Well I was up until a few weeks before you joined."  
  
"Right! Enough chitchat! We would like to join the firewagon thingy!"  
  
"As a fireman or as the siren? Or perhaps the wagons puller?" Hob asked.  
  
"Fireman for me," Looking over to Pippin, Merry said, "With Pip's voice, I think he should be a siren."  
  
"Merry! I'm not that bad at singing! And besides, I want to be a fireman!" Pippin fumed slightly. He made a mental note to give Merry a kick in the shin later.  
  
"Alright, so that's two firemen." Hob said it as if he was taking their order at a fancy restaurant. "You will have to go through the basic training that all firehobbits go through."  
  
"Fine by us!"  
  
"Very well, pick up your helmets outside and be here by dawn tomorrow." Hob swivelled his chair so that the back was facing Merry and Pippin. They took this as a sign to leave. So they did, picking their helmets up outside.  
  
  
  
The next day was unusually bright. Merry and Pippin were trying on their helmets outside Bag End.  
  
"Look at me!" Pippin shouted. Merry took one look at Pippin and burst into laughter.  
  
"You dolt! You've got it on backwards!"  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes skyward to try and see his helmet.  
  
"Oh." Was all he said and he proceeded in putting it on the right way. Merry put his on and looked at Pippin. The sun shone brightly off it and practically blinded Merry.  
  
"Argh! My eyes!" He fell to the floor, hands rubbing his eyes. Pippin looked at Merry oddly. The sun reflected off Merry's helmet and soon Pippin was imitating Merry. Any hobbit passing that day would think it was a ritual or something strange.  
  
Once they had gotten their eyesight back, Pippin looked at the sundial in the garden and realised that it was well past noon.  
  
"Uh…Merry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you realise that we should have been at the fire place ages ago?"  
  
"Oh bugger…Hurry Pippin, TO THE HOBBIT MOBILE!"  
  
Pippin gave him a funny look  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The Hobbit Mobile you fool!"  
  
"And I repeat…the what?"  
  
"I…oh never mind. Lets just run very quickly over to the fire station!"  
  
"Ok!"  
  
And so they did. They ran and ran and ran until their little legs buckled beneath them and they landed in a pile on the ground.  
  
"That hurt!" Whined Pippin, as he attempted to get up. But alas! He could not, for Merry was lying on top of him, and being a Brandybuck was rather heavy.  
  
"Merry, you fat lump, get off me!"  
  
"I am NOT fat! I'm just big-boned…"(quote from Asterix there)  
  
"Whatever Merry, just get off!"  
  
"Not until you apologise!"  
  
"Fine, fine, fine! I'm sooooooorry for calling you a fat lump."  
  
"That's better." Merry said and got off Pippin.  
  
"Even though it's the truth…" Pippin whispered. Luckily for Pip, Merry was running towards the fire station, which was very close.  
  
"Hey! Wait for me Merry!" Pippin raced after his cousin.  
  
  
  
They arrived at the station just as the fire wagon left.  
  
"They forgot about us!" Merry said, sadly.  
  
"Forgot?! You forgot to get here on time! You are not worthy of being a fire hobbit!" A voice said. Merry and Pippin whipped around. A sweatdrop appeared on both hobbits faces as they looked up to find an angry Hob Hayward towering over them.  
  
"Er…Hi?" Pippin lamely said. He and Merry were dragged to the office of the fire station and Hob slammed the door shut.  
  
"Why didn't you arrive on time?"  
  
"We forgot about it?"  
  
"Pippin!" Turning to Hob, Merry then said, "Well, we were so excited about starting our new jobs that we sorta lost track of time…ehehehe…"  
  
Hob growled. "Do you know that I have to strip you of your jobs now?"  
  
"WHAT?!" Merry and Pippin yelled  
  
"I'm sorry, you guys, but I have to. It's law."  
  
"But, but, but…"  
  
"Put your helmets over there please." Hob pointed to a table. Merry walked over to the table and put his helmet down. Pippin stood next to the door, as if he was planning on making a break for it with his helmet.  
  
"Pippin…"  
  
"No! I want to keep it!"  
  
"Pippin! It is against the laws of Hobbiton to have a firehelemt unless you are an authorised fire hobbit. Now give me the helmet!" Hob advanced a step and grabbed at the helmet. Pippin pulled it out of reach and held it high above his head. After drinking some of the Ent Draft, he easily kept it out of reach from Hob.  
  
"Listen Pippin, if you don't give the helmet back, I will have to call for a police hobbit, who will arrest you."  
  
Pippin brought the helmet down slightly and thought about how it would look in his permanent file if he were arrested. What would his mother say? And his father?  
  
"Peregrin!" Pippin looked over to Merry, slightly shocked at the use of his proper name. "Give the helmet to Hob. We can find another job."  
  
Pippin nodded and gave the helmet to Hob. Hob walked out of the room carrying the two helmets without looking back at the two dejected hobbits.  
  
"Come on Pip, cheer up! We weren't cut out for it."  
  
"But I really wanted to be a fire hobbit!"  
  
"Really? And get up really early in the mornings and having to sweat it out at a site of a fire?"  
  
"I suppose when you put it that way…"  
  
"So…lets go find another job!" Merry said happily. Pippin nodded and together they walked out of the office and back home.  
  
  
  
As they passed the market, a hobbit shouted at them to mind their heads. Not hearing this, Pippin got hit across the head by a large barrel of ale, which was being hoisted up onto a cart.  
  
"Why is it always me who gets whacked on the head?" He moaned.  
  
"Probably because you have a large head?" Merry quipped.  
  
"Haha Merry. I just realised something."  
  
"You did? Wow!"  
  
"Merry, let me talk!"  
  
"I thought that's what I always did…" Pippin narrowed his eyes and continued to talk.  
  
"I just realised that we haven't eaten anything ALL day. And guess what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm really hungry."  
  
"Well we could buy an apple or two."  
  
"That's good. What job are we going to go in for next?"  
  
"I have no idea…"  
  
Merry and Pippin bought their lunch and went home, wondering where their unemployed state would lead them next.  
  
  
  
  
  
Finito  
  
  
  
Did you like? R/R please! And go check out WhiteWolf's fics if you haven't already done so. They're awesome…And Jellylady too. 


	4. Masterchef!

Well.this is the final chapter of The Job Series. This is my best chapter I reckon.  
  
Disclaimer: Lets see.I own an uncompleted sticker album, and a few posters of LoTR.so if you do decide to sue (silly person) that's all you'll get.if you're lucky.Onto the last chapter!  
  
Pippin becomes a chef.  
  
  
  
It was that time of day again.morning. Pippin and Merry were not sitting outside. They were sitting inside, in Merry's sitting room. It was raining and they didn't like getting their feet wet. Happily chomping on a biscuit, Pippin looked out of the window.  
  
"Its Sam's birthday soon. What are we buying him?"  
  
"Pip! Don't speak with your mouth full, tis rude."  
  
"Sorry." Pippin replied, spraying Merry with biscuit crumbs.  
  
"We cannot buy him anything. We have no money." Merry replied solemnly.  
  
"Well we could get a job couldn't we?"  
  
"Have you forgotten? We seem to be unlucky in employment, getting fired from three jobs in one month isn't good."  
  
"We never liked those jobs anyways. We should apply for something we enjoy doing." Pippin said, pushing away a stray curl from his eyes.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Cooking. We could become chefs at the 'Middle-Earth Hotel'!" Pippin said, his eyes full of excitement.  
  
"Cooking? You? Hahaha! That's a laugh."  
  
"No it isn't. I can cook very well."  
  
"Oh really? Who taught you then?"  
  
"My mother did. What with having sisters, I had to follow in their footsteps and cook. I enjoy cooking you know."  
  
"So why did we have to put up with Sam's cooking when you are a master chef?"  
  
"Meh, I dunno." Pippin shrugged his shoulders. Merry gave him a funny look and went to make some tea. (A/N: just like I have done! Hehe)  
  
"I take mine with three sugars thank you!" Pippin shouted to the kitchen. Merry poked his head around the door and glared at Pippin before returning to the task in hand.  
  
"Now where's that newspaper? I'm sure I saw an advert for a chef." Pippin began rummaging around the table next to his chair. He found the newspaper, named 'Hobbiton Local' and looked for the jobs page. Upon finding it, Pippin threw the rest of the newspaper on the floor and scanned the page. "Aha!" Pippin shouted, pointing his finger to the advert, "I found it!"  
  
"Pippin! You can get your own tea." Merry said, before pointing to the newspaper, "Why is the newspaper strewn all over my floor? I haven't even read it yet!" Merry was peeved. His daily newspaper, which he loved to read when it was all nicely folded, had become the victim of Pippin's job obsession.  
  
"Oh hello Merry. Look what I found! The job thingy for 'Middle-Earth Hilton Hotel'! I'm going right now!"  
  
"Well I'm not going with you."  
  
"Oh come on Merry! Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"I'll give you my share of chips when we have bacon, egg and chips."  
  
"Throw in half your bacon and we have a deal." Merry said, folding his arms.  
  
"Tch, fine." Pippin said. "Now lets go apply for this job!"  
  
"Okay, but after you drink your tea, its getting cold."  
  
  
  
It was still pouring with rain by the time Merry and Pippin finished their tea. They put on their raincoats and got out a large umbrella and headed outside.  
  
"Here, give me the umbrella Pip." Merry said. Pippin did so and Merry opened it. A moth flew out of it.  
  
"So that's where Binky went!" Pippin said, watching 'Binky' fly away.  
  
"Binky? You named a moth 'Binky'?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You strange hobbit." Merry said, shaking his head.  
  
"Come on! Go to the stable now!" Pippin yelled, and dragged Merry in the direction of the Hobbit Mobile, which was only a cart painted purple and green, pulled by a Shetland pony.  
  
"Hello Zebedee!" Pippin said, patting the little black pony's head. Zebedee whinnied in return and nodded his head. Merry closed the umbrella, climbed up into the 'drivers seat' and took hold of the reins.  
  
"Merry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think you are forgetting something."  
  
"I am? What am I forgetting?" Pippin pointed to Zebedee, still in his little stable.  
  
"Oh." Merry climbed down from the cart and got Zebedee's harness. Pippin brought him out and Merry quickly tacked him up.  
  
"Right. Now we are ready!" Pippin said. Merry attached the cart to Zebedee and climbed up into the cart once again. Pippin, who sat in the back, looked outside through the stable door, to see the rain coming down as if there was no tomorrow.  
  
"Merry? Aren't we going to put the cover on the cart to keep us dry?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Why didn't you say that BEFORE I got back in?" Merry said as he once again climbed down and got the cover from the back of the room. He quickly put it on the cart and asked Pippin "Anything else?"  
  
"Would you buy me an apple pie?" Merry just scowled and got back into the cart. Pippin grinned and poked Merry, who turned around angrily  
  
"WHAT?" He spat. Pippin shrunk back and then looked down at the floor. Merry followed his gaze until his eyes landed on the umbrella. He looked back at Pippin with a look that said, 'You get it or you'll get something else not very pleasant'. Pippin hurriedly scrambled off the cart and retrieved the umbrella. Just as he sat down, Merry urged Zebedee into a trot and they trotted out of the stable, into the rain.  
  
  
  
"I feel sorry for Zebedee you know." Pippin stated, as the cart passed through Hobbiton and headed in the direction of the Brandywine River.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he's getting wet, while we are here all snug and dry."  
  
"Oh, so he should be in here as well? Well he could swap places with you."  
  
"You know what I meant. How much longer? I want to get that chef job before it gets snapped up by some other hobbit."  
  
"A hobbit who is a better chef than you, you mean?" Merry said, with a smirk on his face.  
  
"That's not even funny Merry."  
  
"Really? Zebedee thought it was, didn't you boy?" Zebedee neighed in reply. "See?" Merry laughed.  
  
"But how far are we from the Hotel?"  
  
"Not far, don't worry. Look, its over there." Merry indicated a large building in the distance. "All peoples of Middle-Earth are welcome there, except for orcs and the like. You're not nervous are you Pippin?"  
  
"Me? Nervous? Don't be silly Merry. Its not too late to turn back is it?" Pippin asked nervously.  
  
"Pippin, don't worry. Its only a job."  
  
"My lifelong dream job."  
  
"Okay, it's only your lifelong dream job. There's nothing to worry about." Merry said, trying to help Pippin.  
  
"Oh thanks Merry, that's cheered me up no end."  
  
"Pippin, if you are half as good as you say you are, you'll be fine." Merry said, and saw a small smile appear on Pippin's face.  
  
"Thank you Merry. You're my favourite cousin, do you know that?"  
  
"Yes. Just don't let Frodo hear you say that!" Merry laughed.  
  
  
  
By noon, Merry and Pippin arrived at the large hotel. A dwarf valet took away their pony and cart to be looked after behind the building. The hotel was at least 12 floors high and was a cream colour. There were a few steps leading up to the main entrance. Pippin struggled up these, and it wasn't until he reached the top that he saw the path for the hobbits. It was a sloping path, which meant hobbits didn't have to climb the flight of steps. Pippin cursed loudly, which earned him a look of surprise from Merry. Pippin smiled at his cousin and walked into the hotel reception area. Merry followed after him. Pippin went straight up to the desk, which towered over him, even with his height from the Ent Draft.  
  
"Um, excuse me." He said, looking up at the desk.  
  
"Hello?" A woman's voice asked.  
  
"I'm down here!" The receptionist leaned over the desk and looked down at Pippin.  
  
"Hello Sir, what can I do for you?" She asked  
  
"I'm here about the chef job." The receptionist looked at a piece of paper and rang a bell. A fat hobbit came out of a door labelled 'Kitchen'.  
  
"What?" He rudely said.  
  
"This gentlehobbit has come about the chef job. Are you going to test him out?" The fat hobbit looked at Pippin and motioned for him to come closer. Pippin warily walked towards the fat hobbit and could smell that he didn't wash all that often.  
  
"Can you cook?"  
  
"Yes I can cook."  
  
"You're hired." The fat hobbit said and walked off. Pippin blinked and then jumped up and down singing 'I'm hired! I'm hired!'. Merry rolled his eyes. Silly Pippin.  
  
"Sir? I need your name so I can add you to our staff list." The receptionist said. Pippin had forgotten about her.  
  
"Oh, right. It's Peregrin Took. But my friends call me Pippin." He smiled. The receptionist quickly wrote it down and gave Pippin a key.  
  
"This is the key to your room. It's on the ground floor in the Hobbit Wing. Take corridor A to corridor F. Your room is the fifth from the left." The receptionist said, and went back to work, leaving a very confused Pippin.  
  
"Merry."  
  
"Don't worry Pip, I'll help you find it."  
  
  
  
After what seemed like forever (But was actually only 2 hours), the two hobbits found Pippin's room. Pippin unlocked the door to a huge room with an en suite bathroom.  
  
"Wow! Pippin, you're living in the lap of luxury! Look at the size of that bed! You could fit at least four Legolases in it!"  
  
"Look! Light goes on, light goes off! I wonder how it does that." Pippin said to himself, as he pushed a button, making the candles re-light themselves.  
  
"Duh Pippin, magic!" Merry rolled his eyes. Pippin ignored Merry and took a running jump and landed on the bed.  
  
"Whee! This will be fun! Are you going to be a chef too Merry?"  
  
"Me? Well I can't cook very well and I have to go back home. You stay here and make money for Sam's birthday present, alright?" Merry said, still standing in the doorway. Pippin had a sad look on his face.  
  
"But I'll be all alone without you.I don't know anyone here and.and." Pippin sniffled. Then a knock on the open door made him smile. The receptionist had come to check everything was ok.  
  
"Peregrin, your kitchen duties start in five minutes. Beezle doesn't like hobbits being late for their duties." She said. Pippin nodded and said he would be along very soon. When she left, Pippin turned and looked at Merry,  
  
"I think I'm in love!"  
  
"Pippin, focus! Job, make money, good. Fall in love with strange receptionist, bad!" Merry said, with a serious tone. Pippin slumped his shoulders and slowly nodded his head.  
  
"Well I had better go. Zebedee needs to go home. I'll come tomorrow to see how you are doing. Bye Cousin!" Merry said, and waved as he left the room. Pippin sighed and threw his bag on the floor.  
  
"Right! Time to go to my brand spanking new job!" Pippin clapped his hands together, grabbed his room key and headed down to the kitchens.  
  
  
  
"New boy! I need a large pan of boiling water! Now!" Beezle shouted at poor Pippin who had been ordered to chop up hundreds of onions, causing tears to come to his eyes.  
  
"But I haven't finished this ye-"  
  
"NOW!" Beezle interrupted. Pippin hurriedly got up and began searching the kitchen cupboards for a large pan. He found one, but it had many other pans inside it. He had to pull the other pots and pans out before he could get the large pan out (A/N: I have to do that.annoying). He cursed when one fell on his foot.  
  
"Have you read the sign?" One of the kitchen workers pointed to a sign, which had written on it 'No Cursing Unless Finger Gets Chopped Off'. Pippin apologized and filled the pan with water and put it over the fire to boil it. When it boiled Pippin quickly took it over to Beezle, who scowled at him and mumbled something about a 'lazy newbie'.  
  
"Back to onion cutting now!" Beezle said and walked off with his pan of boiled water. Pippin sighed and sat down, absentmindedly picking up an onion. He cut it into tiny pieces before starting on another one. Why did I take this chef job? I hate it! Pippin began slashing the onion in his hand, imagining it was Beezle. A malicious smile grew on his face. Soon he was throwing the onion on the floor and jumping up and down on it, shouting out very rude things. A few of the staff had stopped preparing the food and were watching the spectacle. Pippin was completely unaware of the staring eyes and continued to stamp on the poor onion.  
  
"What's going on here?!" A voice boomed from behind the small crowd. A few people spread apart to let the head chef through. He didn't expect the sight that beheld him. The newbie was crushing an onion underfoot and turning it into a pulp. He was amazed. He had never gotten onions to look that mashed. He advanced towards Pippin, who was now conscious of Beezle's presence. 'Now I'm in for it.' He thought.  
  
"Mr. Took!" Pippin blinked. "That's amazing! I have never seen onions so finely mashed! What's your secret?" The head cook asked. Pippin blinked again. Beezle said something nice? Well sort of.  
  
"Uh.Big feet?"  
  
"You mean feet aren't just for walking and tripping postmen up?" Beezle asked, surprised. Pippin nodded, then an idea formed in his head.  
  
"I've thought of copyrighting it, and make millions." Pippin said.  
  
"No, we should keep it to the Hotel, and make the Hotel well-known. Would you keep it within the walls of this kitchen?"  
  
"We-ell.I have a friend, whose birthday is coming up. And I'm strapped for cash." Pippin was overjoyed. He had Beezle practically eating out of his hand.  
  
"How much do you want for the technique?"  
  
"How much are you offering?" Pippin asked  
  
"£10,000 enough for you? Or is it too low?" Pippin's eyes nearly fell out of his head when he heard the amount.  
  
"£10,000 will be fine thank you! Just don't go selling it on to other hotels. It must stay in this room."  
  
"Yes yes! Of course!" Beezle said, and handed him a cheque he had been writing out as Pippin thanked him.  
  
"You may as well look for another chef. I don't think my cooking will match yours Beezle. I'm handing in my notice. I will leave tomorrow morning." Pippin said. Beezle nodded, and clapped him on the back.  
  
"You've done a great deed, lad!" Pippin smirked. 'I've done bigger and greater deeds.'  
  
"You can leave early if you want Mr. Took." Beezle said. Pippin nodded and left the kitchen and headed to his room. Once there, he collapsed on the bed in fits of laughter.  
  
"What an idiot! I was jumping on that onion because he wasn't nice to me. And he gives me £10,000 for it! Merry will be surprised!" He said, and got ready for bed. He had already eaten (he had stolen a few mushrooms in the kitchen) and decided to go to sleep. He climbed into bed and immediately fell asleep.  
  
  
  
Pippin started out early from the Hotel. He handed in his key at reception and walked out of the entrance. He was just about to walk down the steps when he remembered the hobbit slope. He went down that instead and walked in the direction of home. Meanwhile, Merry had started out with Zebedee and the cart. He was about halfway to the hotel, when he spotted a figure walking the opposite way. As he drew closer, he realised it was Pippin.  
  
"Pippin! Ahoy!" Merry shouted waving his hands, and looking like a fool. Zebedee just snorted, obviously embarrassed. Pippin ran to the cart.  
  
"Hello Merry, Zebedee."  
  
"What happened? Oh wait, don't tell me.you ate all the food in the kitchen and got fired?"  
  
"No Merry I."  
  
"You smashed all the plates?"  
  
"Shows how much faith you have in me. No Merry, I did not get fired."  
  
"Well, why are you walking along the road with your bag?"  
  
"I quit" Pippin said  
  
"You what? We need the money for Sam's birthday present!"  
  
"Ah, but my dear Merry, we do have the money!" Pippin said and waved the cheque in Merry's face.  
  
"How did you get that? Tell me!" Merry demanded.  
  
"Let me get on the cart first and then I will." Merry helped Pippin up and they headed back home. Pippin told Merry about the stupidity of Beezle and showed him the stomping technique, which earned him a telling off from Merry because Pippin nearly rammed his foot through the wood.  
  
"What are we buying Sam for his birthday then?" Merry asked Pippin.  
  
"Doesn't he have a mouse problem in his kitchen?"  
  
"Yes, why?"  
  
"I know what to get him for his birthday." Pippin grinned.  
  
  
  
"Thank you all for coming to my birthday celebrations." Sam said to the large crowd. In the crowd were Aragorn and Arwen, who had come to wish their dear friend happy birthday. Most of the gifts had been opened and many were things for the garden. Pippin greeted Sam and gave him a large box.  
  
"Here you go Sam. Present from Merry and myself."  
  
"Thank you Pippin." Sam said, as he opened the box. A small tiger cub jumped out and mewed.  
  
"Um.Pippin? What's that?"  
  
"It's a cat, to get rid of your mouse problem."  
  
"That's not a cat.it's a tiger!"  
  
"Its used to hobbits don't worry."  
  
"I see." Sam said. He once again thanked Pippin, if not a little less enthusiastically and took the cub inside the house. He closed the door and came back.  
  
"I must go now. I don't like leaving Merry alone with all the money." Pippin said and ran off.  
  
"Money? What money?" Sam asked himself, slightly confused, before joining in with the celebrations once again.  
  
The End.  
  
I liked that chapter.even if it did go off track slightly.Oh well. Only 2 weeks until Lord of the Rings comes out on DVD and Video! Wahey! R/R please!  
  
Welsh-dragoon 


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